Zoo News Speak!
Hot on the heels of his virtual award winning Tournament Challenge Tour De Force, Zoo News speaks! This is the cocky rant you DON’T want to miss (/Seacrest’d).
The most shocking part: He admits to vacationing in Pittsburg!
And don’t forget that his views are those of Zoo News alone and do not represent those of the California Golden Blogs or any of their individual bloggers. Or so we need to say.
Artist’s Rendition Of Zoo News.
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Who could have predicted that Kansas would win the title this year? Zoo News and Oaktown Mario. That’s who. The rest of you can suck the proverbial it.
I have to admit that this victory is a bit hollow because 50% of you clearly subscribe to the fool’s notion that you have to root for your conference when your team is out of contention. You are the rubes who had UCLA winning it convincingly. Some of you even had an all PAC-10 Final Four. "The PAC-10 is strong this year", you proclaimed to your buddies in graduate school on the East Coast. They smiled and humored you, then they slyly suggested maybe raising the stakes in the pool this year.
By the way, I paid my $40 to CBKWit on the first day of action. He tells me that he is short. I expect the rest of you will promptly pay up. What’s right is right. No questions asked.
Tell me: What was it like to cheer for that bastardized stalker campus down south to win it all? How did it feel to get caught up in the K LOVE story and start to appreciate him as a man off the court?
K LOVE listens to "Hip-Hop" music before games! Hey, I like "Hip-Hop" music too!
WAKE UP! Not only did your bracket crap out, but you rooted for baby blue and piss yellow in the process. You rooted for a fight song with a Hollywood ending stapled onto it. You rooted for a basketball team that danced and drank and engaged in wild celebratory group sexual activity (allegedly) as we wept about our football loss in the Pasadena Yard House. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
What now? Learn a lesson. Accept some guidance from a proven winner:
Pick smart but stick to your principles. Never have U$C win more than a single game in anything, ever, because they are asshats. When UCLA is predicted to win it all, have them almost win it all then crap out at the last conceivable moment. These teams deserve to lose both in your fantasy bracket and in real life. You have the power to make one of those things happen. Put yourself in a position to celebrate their failures unconditionally.
Conference shmonference. Ask Biggie: rivalries cannot be set aside. If you root for the conference when we’re out of contention you also probably tell people that we should set aside politics because of the sanctity of the Olympic Games. You live in fantasy pansy land where there are good smart people at the University of Arizona and they need our support right now. Back in the real world, these "U of A" grunting morons shouldn’t have even been in the tournament. Lute pulled some strings and all hail Lute, sorry ASU! Shameful.
Reports from Beijing are now indicating that the exterior of the colossal new swimming facility may have been built using the bones of political dissenters. You might be able to set that aside, but I sure can’t.
Remember that it is a guessing game. The rankings can provide some guidance but your knowledge of triangles and screens will ultimately only complicate what is really a gigantic crapshoot. Go ahead and put Pittsburgh in the Elite Eight because you just vacationed there. I did, they lost 2 games prior, and I still beat you. Throw Louisville into the Final Four because that’s where they make the Sluggers. I did, they didn’t make it, and I still beat you. Have Washington State lose in the first round because they are a loser hillbilly Mountain West campus with rude fans that accidentally named their football stadium after an alum of their biggest rival. I did, they had a nice tournament run, and I still beat you.
This is the logic that guided my victory. Learn from it. It makes no rational sense, but it makes cosmic sense. It makes karmic sense.
I won, and I won it the right way.
Suck it, rubes.
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Final TwistNHook Disclaimer: The California Golden Blogs does not view its readers as rubes. Loser hillbillies, maybe, but certainly not rubes.
Thanks, Zoonews. I feel ashamed and confused. But good rant anyways.
Comment by AndBears — April 8, 2008 @ 2:03 pm
Brilliant! Nothing beats winning. Unless it’s winning and being sore about it.
Comment by CalBandGreat — April 8, 2008 @ 2:20 pm
The CBKWit tell-all will have to wait for another day. My lawyer redacted the portions that were potentially libelous to post on this site and I was left with a mere outline of the sad tale of the young man with a tail. Allegedly. Maybe another time in another place.
Comment by zoonews — April 8, 2008 @ 3:26 pm
Zoonews, I was really looking forward to finding out if CBKWit was Sandy Barbour. I eagerly await the day you do tell all about the mysterious CBKWit.
Comment by HydroTech — April 8, 2008 @ 3:45 pm
I can only reveal that whether or not CBKWit is Sandy B. depends completely on what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is. Oops, I’ve said too much. Allegedly.
Comment by zoonews — April 8, 2008 @ 3:53 pm
Congrats on winning the pool, zoonews! And the right way! I don’t think the artist’s rendition of you is very flattering. I think said “artist” might be bitter about being schooled in basketball prediction technique.
(I didn’t think CBKWit needed to tell people he was short. I thought it was obvious!)
Comment by kittwin — April 8, 2008 @ 5:10 pm
OMG, the artist’s rendering of Zoo News is HOT.
Comment by OskiWeeWee — April 8, 2008 @ 8:24 pm
I’d hit it…..
with a shovel for calling me a rube. WTF is that?!
Comment by RR — April 8, 2008 @ 8:41 pm
I’m no rube. I pick Tennessee to win it all, and guess what, the Vols won last night! So stick that in your Zoo-hole…oh…wait a minute…wrong tournament. Perhaps I can use some rube-bee slippers. There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…
Comment by Montezuma's Revenge — April 9, 2008 @ 8:05 am
Absolutely awesome, Zoo News! I’d lose to you anyday, if I bothered to play. Poor CBKWit, I have heard that your success in life depends highly on your height and level of attractiveness.
Comment by BearBallCarrier — April 10, 2008 @ 11:09 am
“Poor CBKWit, I have heard that your success in life depends highly on your height and level of attractiveness.”
I also have a small penis. Damn it.
Comment by CBKWit — April 10, 2008 @ 1:49 pm
I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don’t know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.
Joannah
http://2gbmemory.net
Comment by Joannah — April 10, 2009 @ 10:18 pm