Zoo News Speak!
Hot on the heels of his virtual award winning Tournament Challenge Tour De Force, Zoo News speaks! This is the cocky rant you DON’T want to miss (/Seacrest’d).
The most shocking part: He admits to vacationing in Pittsburg!
And don’t forget that his views are those of Zoo News alone and do not represent those of the California Golden Blogs or any of their individual bloggers. Or so we need to say.
Artist’s Rendition Of Zoo News.
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Who could have predicted that Kansas would win the title this year? Zoo News and Oaktown Mario. That’s who. The rest of you can suck the proverbial it.
I have to admit that this victory is a bit hollow because 50% of you clearly subscribe to the fool’s notion that you have to root for your conference when your team is out of contention. You are the rubes who had UCLA winning it convincingly. Some of you even had an all PAC-10 Final Four. "The PAC-10 is strong this year", you proclaimed to your buddies in graduate school on the East Coast. They smiled and humored you, then they slyly suggested maybe raising the stakes in the pool this year.
By the way, I paid my $40 to CBKWit on the first day of action. He tells me that he is short. I expect the rest of you will promptly pay up. What’s right is right. No questions asked.
Tell me: What was it like to cheer for that bastardized stalker campus down south to win it all? How did it feel to get caught up in the K LOVE story and start to appreciate him as a man off the court?
K LOVE listens to "Hip-Hop" music before games! Hey, I like "Hip-Hop" music too!
WAKE UP! Not only did your bracket crap out, but you rooted for baby blue and piss yellow in the process. You rooted for a fight song with a Hollywood ending stapled onto it. You rooted for a basketball team that danced and drank and engaged in wild celebratory group sexual activity (allegedly) as we wept about our football loss in the Pasadena Yard House. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
What now? Learn a lesson. Accept some guidance from a proven winner:
Pick smart but stick to your principles. Never have U$C win more than a single game in anything, ever, because they are asshats. When UCLA is predicted to win it all, have them almost win it all then crap out at the last conceivable moment. These teams deserve to lose both in your fantasy bracket and in real life. You have the power to make one of those things happen. Put yourself in a position to celebrate their failures unconditionally.
Conference shmonference. Ask Biggie: rivalries cannot be set aside. If you root for the conference when we’re out of contention you also probably tell people that we should set aside politics because of the sanctity of the Olympic Games. You live in fantasy pansy land where there are good smart people at the University of Arizona and they need our support right now. Back in the real world, these "U of A" grunting morons shouldn’t have even been in the tournament. Lute pulled some strings and all hail Lute, sorry ASU! Shameful.
Reports from Beijing are now indicating that the exterior of the colossal new swimming facility may have been built using the bones of political dissenters. You might be able to set that aside, but I sure can’t.
Remember that it is a guessing game. The rankings can provide some guidance but your knowledge of triangles and screens will ultimately only complicate what is really a gigantic crapshoot. Go ahead and put Pittsburgh in the Elite Eight because you just vacationed there. I did, they lost 2 games prior, and I still beat you. Throw Louisville into the Final Four because that’s where they make the Sluggers. I did, they didn’t make it, and I still beat you. Have Washington State lose in the first round because they are a loser hillbilly Mountain West campus with rude fans that accidentally named their football stadium after an alum of their biggest rival. I did, they had a nice tournament run, and I still beat you.
This is the logic that guided my victory. Learn from it. It makes no rational sense, but it makes cosmic sense. It makes karmic sense.
I won, and I won it the right way.
Suck it, rubes.
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Final TwistNHook Disclaimer: The California Golden Blogs does not view its readers as rubes. Loser hillbillies, maybe, but certainly not rubes.
