Is this your first time in San Francisco?  Well, if so, here is a handy guide for the first-time Cal fans going out to San Francisco for the Emerald Bowl.  I have found these kind of bowl game touristy guides very helpful and thought I could return the favor.  I’m not gospel here or anything, but I did attend an undergraduate institution fairly close by. 

Travel:

Well, one easy way is to fly right in.  There are flights leaving from Oakland to San Francisco daily!  Orbitz has found the cheapest fares.  Only $258?  What a steal!  And that’s only 1 stop (LA). 

But not all of us can be Wealthy Von OwnASlaves.  We don’t *all* go to USC.  Some of us have to drive out to these bowl games.  Most travel sites might tell you to take the direct route.  But you miss a lot of stuff doing that.  Take the scenic route.  Only 4 hours.   Don’t forget to stop in Agnew on the way there.  Beautiful Agnew.  Local landmarks include Agnew Park, Agnew School, and Agnew State Hospital.  And don’t forget to wave at Great America as you drive by.

Another slightly cheaper method is by BART.   Its only a handful of bucks, but try not to touch, sit, or look at anything or anyone.  Definitely don’t look at those ads for Cal football on the train ride over.  You’ll only end up in the fetal position feeling shame.  Lots and lots of shame. 

But, Twist?, you say, now I’m in SF, what do I do now?  Well, thanks for asking, disembodied non-human who exists solely to ask hypothetical questions about realities that have yet to occur.  I’ll get to that, but first I have to feel a lot of shame.  So much shame.  

Ok, done with the shame (for now….) and ready to tell you what to see on your wonderful San Francisco vacation.  And remember, you don’t have to look at stuff *just* in San Francisco, there’s a whole Bay Area to visit.  You could even check out this cool place I know called Berkeley.  I heard they used to have a good football team.  

But sticking to SF, there are tons of things to see in this exotic, faraway bowl location.  For example, how many of you lusted after the Olson Twins from 1991 to last Tuesday?  Me too!  Well, if you were a huge Full House fan (I LOVE YOU UNCLE JOEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I’M CUTTING IT OUT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!), you might want to check out this:

Even if you don’t like Full House, you still might want to check out The Seven Sisters.  Because as we all know, that’s the same nickname as our Defensive Line.  What’s the odds?????

This is called Alcatraz.  It’s a big tourist spot.  It is apparently, the worlds toughest prison to escape from.  Nobody has ever done it.  Or something.  It’s overrated, because they shut it down DECADES before Marshawn was even born.  No stupid island prison could hold Marshawn.  He’d stiff arm the water all the way to freedom.  Forget Alcatraz.  

This is Coit Tower.  It is a giant inanimate object.  Don’t confuse it with Nate Longshore.  Here’s a photo of Nate Longshore.   

And here’s a photo of Coit Tower. 

Can you tell the difference?  One moves at the speed of continental drift.  The other is Coit Tower.  One should have designed quarterback draws written up for them.  The other is Nate Longshore.  

Basically, the overarching theme to this joke is that Nate Longshore is a slow QB.  If I were to put it in bullet point form, it’d look like this:

-Longshore:  slow, not fast

If it were opposite day, I would say Longshore is fast.  If I were a Spanish speaker, I’d say Longshore was "culo."  At least I think thats what "slow" is in Spanish.  It’s what all my Latino friend were screaming at the game.  I’m just putting 2+2 together here.  For the U$C people reading this, look below to find out how much that equals.

Don’t forget to check out Fisherman’s Wharf!   Tons of great eating.  Beautiful views of the Bay.  Plus, Ripley’s Believe Or Not is out there.  You can see check out amazing things like a UCLA fan who loves Karl Dorrell.  They exist!  Who woulda thunk it?  And a punt DeSean can return.  I’ve heard that is in there somewhere, too.  Way in the back.  Unfortunately, you’ll never get to see an 8-limbed Indian girl.

Above you see the Palace Of Fine Arts and Exploratorium.  Besides being the place where I went on Sunday to see John Santos and the Bay Area High School All-Star Jazz Band, it also has the Tactile Dome.  In there, you close your eyes and feel your way around hoping not to run into something painful. 

Which I think is also the Webster’s definition of the verb "To Ayoob."   So, go Ayoobing over at the Tactile Dome and have a great time!  I Ayoobed at my 14th birthday party back in the day!  Unlike a Warriors game (0-6???), it was a great time out!

And there you go.  Some great sights to see on your trip to our far away bowl location, San Francisco.

P.S.  Hey, U$C fans, 2+2=4.  Also, as long as I have your attention, Trojanites, much respect to your team.  I am not so insane to not know a kwality team when I see it.  But for the love of God, that was the worst band show EVER.  THEY BARELY MOVED!  Was it like the Jim Morrison/Kurt Cobain show?  Its a Marching Band not a Standing Groups Of Persons Playing Music Poorly.  Much credit to the football team, much credit to the fans for staying out there in the rain with us, fuck the band forevermore.