Why I Hate USC
There, now we can talk without any USC fans reading this post.
Now that we have some privacy, let’s talk. In this more intimate atmosphere, I feel like I can open up to you. Yes, you. The reader. You, the one wasting their employer’s important time, to come to our random site and read. Normally, you will see signs like this all over the place:
But for this week, we’ve covered those signs with these:
Oh yeah, it’s hate time. Many people look at my Die USC, Die knuckle tattoos and wonder if I am a bad person. But it merely means The USC, The in German.
And nobody who knows German could be bad.
So, about hatred. Wikipedia notes that: "Often the verb "to hate" is used casually as an exaggeration to describe things one merely dislikes, such as a particular style of architecture, a certain climate or some particular kind of food." Some people might say "But Twist, doesn’t this mean that you don’t *really* hate USC. It is just an exaggeration like your dislike towards a particular style of climate."
To that I would say "Where’s the exaggeration here? I fucking HATE the boreal forest taiga biome. Continental climates where precipitation increases during the summer months are an abomination of God!"
But no, I’m just joking about that. I don’t really know what the boreal forest taiga biome is, but I do fucking hate USC. I seem to have a mental illness. I’ll see a car with a USC license plate holder and be really upset for the next hour. It could be Mahatma Ghandi’s great-grandson Billy Ray Ghandi, it wouldn’t matter. At the DeYoung opening a few years ago, I saw a girl wearing a USC sweatshirt. I didn’t know anything about her at all. Whether she was a USC student or grad. But I started screaming a word in my head, which I’m not going to repeat here. But it was reclaimed by the Vagina Monologues, if that helps.
Clearly, I am sick. In the noggin.
So, what explains this perfectly rational emotion? What are the reasons any of us hate another team/fan base anyway? I think it breaks into 3 clear categories:
1. Actions of the fans.
2. Actions of the team.
3. Success of the team in relation to your own.
Let’s look at these one by one.
1. The actions of the fans: This is probably the #1 reason that people HATEHATEHATE USC. Because even when USC wasn’t all that good (i.e. when I was at Cal), their fans were still unsufferable. USC fans seem to lack the rampant insecurity inherent amongst Cal fans. Going to the Coliseum was like going into the lowest levels of Hell. USC fans, be they men, women, or children, would rain abuse down upon you.
Also, being in the band, we had our interactions with the self-proclaimed "Great Marching Band In The Universe," the Trojan Marching Band. If you don’t know anything about the USC Band, I envy you. The less, you know, the better. Firstly, on a general level, they only know 1 song. 1 song! And they play it about 50 times a game. Or more. We’ve counted. And they play it seemingly independent of what just transpired on the field. USC Touchdown? FIGHT ON! USC first down? FIGHT ON! USC fumble? FIGHT ON! Embarassing loss to 40 points underdog at home? FIGHT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
More particularly, they are run like some sort of neo-Nazi organization. Punishments for minor offenses include push ups and running laps. If they interact with an opposing team’s band, they run laps. And when you are out there performing, they will yell and rain abuse down upon you. Not particularly professional.
The craziest part was in 2002 when Cal v. USC happened to be Alumni Band Day (it was also Alumni Cheerleader Day, I’ve never seen so much plastic surgery in my life). The Alumni Band is even worse, because they have the built in need to yell swear words at anything non-USC in the nearby region. But they only have 1 game a year to do it in, so they have to get it all out. There is nothing weirder than a woman who could be old enough to be my mother screaming that she just fucked my mother. That certainly is going to create some hatred. I think they even threw a rock at us on the field. That’s a felony! And apparently back in the day, the USC band would throw golf balls at the Cal band. That’s GOTTA hoit!
Actually, no, the craziest part was 2001. It was in Berkeley. You might remember we did moderately poorly that year. What’d we lose, like 55-7? Something like that. We gave the USC band the standard 7 or so minutes for their field show (wherein they did the exact same show as we were about to do, which was odd and fuck them). Anyway, as the time was up, instead of finishing up their show and marching off the field, the band got on the ground and started playing on their backs. And just stayed there. It was like they were trying to annex our field or something. Instead of the normal lines the band uses to run onto the field, we physically just sprinted onto the field, just a few steps behind the quickly retreating USC band.
I’ve always wondered what would have happened if a Cal band member had actually caught up to a USC band member as we chased them off the field. Lamest fist fight ever? Indubitably!
"I’ll get you, USC marching band!"
That’s where my personal hatred most likely stems from. But for most, it just stems from the imperial arrogance of the fans. Like Yankees fans and Red Sox fans combined. But worse! And where do the fans take their cue?
2. Actions Of The Team: USC has to be one of the most arrogant teams I have ever witnessed. Case in point, 2005 National Championship game where during an on-field post-game interview Matt Leinart noted that the best team had lost that night. If USC was the best team, then why did they lose? USC was always a team filled with arrogance, but now that it is justified by success, they are unsufferable. The worst is their 4th down attempts. I remember at the 2005 game, when USC was smacking Cal. Even though they were dominating, they went for it on a 4th and 10. Of course, they got it, but there was no point in doing that save for pure arrogance.
And let’s not forget when Stanford defeated USC this year, Carroll wouldn’t even shake Harbaugh’s hand. The fans and the team take their cue from Carroll and there is nobody more arrogant, it would seem.
One of my favorite facial expressions of all times was the one that Pete Carroll made when the hail mary pass in the 2006 USC-UCLA game dropped incomplete and the game ended in a USC loss. All in one second, he went from elated (as it looked like the pass might be complete) to devastated (as their National Championship hopes were scrambled). God, I loved that.
So, from the very top of the food chain (Carroll) to the plankton at the bottom (Alumni Marching Band), USC fans seem to carry themselves in a very, very arrogant manner. And this is a key reason why everybody seems to hate them SO very much.
3. Success Of The Team: But probably the spiteful cherry on top of the delightful sundae of hate is the fact that during this era of unprecedented success for Cal, USC has stood in our way. Most teams with the record Cal has had the past few years would have been in at least 1 Rose Bowl. However, due to the historic success of USC this decade, we have been relegated to Holiday Bowls and Las Vegas Bowls. The frustration is only compounded by the Pac10s terrible bowl tie-ins where a supremely talented team like Cal, which is a big toe from the Rose Bowl faces off against inferior BigXII competition. Would Cal have defeated Michigan in 2006? I don’t know. But thanks to USC, we’ll never know will we.
Perhaps if Cal had made it to a Rose Bowl or two by now, we all wouldn’t hate USC as much. But God doesn’t have it in His merciful plan for things to be easy for Cal. It’s been a half-century so far and golly-gee darnit, we are going to have to wait at least one more year.
But that doesn’t mean the hate is any less this year. Both of these teams need the win more than anything. Both of these teams hate the other. And we have to get out there and do our best to help Longshore. I don’t know if that means ankle massages, but I’ll be first in line, if need be. Barring sensual massage, all I can do is get out there and scream. Scream like I’ve never screamed before, which, given that I’m married, is a tough bar to leap.
But this is USC! I can do it! GO BEARS! MOTHERFUCK USC!
"NOBODY CARES THAT YOUR FILM SCHOOL IS THAT GOOD!!!!! YOUR FAUX IVY-LEAGUE ARCHITECTURE IS EPIC IN POSERDOM!!!!!! YOUR CHILDREN WILL GROW TO RESENT YOUR ATTITUDE OF WEALTHY ENTITLEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOUR BEST KNOWN ALUM IS A MURDERER AND, WORSE, A TERRIBLE ACTOR!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!"
lol i think this constitutes a “meltdown”
Comment by bowlbasaur — November 8, 2007 @ 5:20 pm
I told you I’m sick. In the noggin. USC has that effect on many people.
Comment by TwistNHook — November 8, 2007 @ 5:21 pm
So, the same weekend Cal played at Oregon this year, USC played at Washington. Now, at the end of that fabulous road trip, I was cruising down I-5, doing about 80 MPH or so, passing people on the left like one should, when I come across USC’s football equipment truck. Doing about 60. In the left lane. Dammit, get the hell out of the passing lane! You’re a big, slow truck! How arrogant are you? Assholes.
Anyway, on one of the greatest road trips I’ve ever been on, having not even played USC that weekend, they still managed to piss me off. Not even the Yankees could manage that.
Comment by ragnarok — November 8, 2007 @ 5:43 pm
I remember watching the end of the 2004 U$C-UCLA game on television. It was that victory that secured USC their spot in the Orange Bowl. When the U$C fans had grown tired of throwing oranges at the field, they started throwing them at the UCLA fans. I don’t know if you’ve ever been hit by an orange. I know I haven’t, but just by the weight of it you can tell it’s going to hurt. This isn’t like throwing rose petals or pieces of card stock. Those suckers will leave a welt. Even if you’re on the road to the Orange Bowl, what kind of asshole brings a 20-pound bag of oranges to a game to throw at people?!
Comment by Nick — November 8, 2007 @ 6:52 pm
That was glorious. EDSBS would be proud of such complete degradation of mental capacities.
Comment by Avinash — November 8, 2007 @ 6:53 pm
that’s a sexy picture of vince young
Comment by tommy — November 8, 2007 @ 7:11 pm
Avinash, I can’t tell whether you are mocking me or USC?
Comment by TwistNHook — November 8, 2007 @ 7:59 pm
I took a quick and admittedly unscientific poll of my various friends from USC and I’m sorry to report that we don’t hate Cal or Cal alumni. Perhaps it’s that we use up all that negative energy on your satellite campus in Westwood and those curious Domers. As for our campus architecture, I can’t imagine who would think that it looks faux-Ivy: they express their cultural insecurity with buildings that span the range of colonial to ersatz Gothic; our insecurity is in the form of Italianate buildings and overly grandiose not-quite-modern-enough-in-their convictions edifices.
Nonetheless, very impressive agitation for a game that in conference terms is two people of average height laughing at the midgets while power forwards make rabbit ears behind their backs.
Comment by DC Trojan — November 8, 2007 @ 9:45 pm
Firstly, I’m proud of you making it past the Vince Young picture. Congrats!
Secondly, thanks for the compliment on the agit-prop. I try my hardest. This is a big rivalry, IMHO, and even though the stakes aren’t that big this year, the passion still runs high.
Hopefully, we will see a fun and exciting game on Saturday! Go Bears!
Comment by TwistNHook — November 8, 2007 @ 10:41 pm
I got over the Vince Young problem by reading Burnt Orange Nation until the dry heaves stopped… sometime in mid-June of 2006, I think.
As for the Cal game, I don’t think of it in the HATE terms of Notre Dame or UCLA. It’s been compelling for the last few years because both teams have been so good. The Cal win in 2003 and the SC win in 2004 are two games in particular that stand out of the recent run because of the sheer drama of the endings - in 2003, I was sitting on my couch at game’s end sweating from the mayhem, and in 2004 I literally ran out of a wedding (the service was over, more or less) in Lafayette to catch the final goal-line stand on a.m. radio in the car…
So yeah, hopefully the fact that the stakes are lower will prompt both teams to play a little looser. Heaven knows SC’s offense needs some kind of inspiration this year, and if I’m going to the trouble of watching it on my laptop on espn360.com, I’d like to see a good game.
Comment by DC Trojan — November 8, 2007 @ 10:57 pm
I’m fairly certain the hatred OF USC is universal. I don’t really know who USC would hate on outside of Notre Dame and UCLA.
Comment by Avinash — November 8, 2007 @ 11:17 pm
Brother! I grew up following UCLA and I’m now at Cal, and I hate U$C more than ever, for many of the same reasons you described. Oh, that we could walk away with a sweet finish to our home season this year…
Comment by PRD2007 — November 9, 2007 @ 1:20 am
UCLA fans are worse.
SC and LA fans are both utter douchebags, but at least SC is halfway justified by being a decent team most of the time.
Comment by Bay Area Bear — November 9, 2007 @ 2:35 am
To TwistNHook
I hate USC, but I can never really vocalize it. I leave it for the game. Your madness is enviable.
Comment by Avinash — November 9, 2007 @ 2:47 am
Avinash, I can’t speak for others, but Washington and Arizona State are sort of second-tier dislikes (there’s a bow-down-and-shocker joke in there somewhere.) As for hatred of USC, let’s just say when I meet someone from Pac-10 country and especially California, I give them a chance to get to dislike me on my own demerits before telling them where I went to school.
Bay Area Bear: thanks, I think?
Comment by DC Trojan — November 9, 2007 @ 10:25 pm
I’ll give this article some credibility. FUCK YOU CAL, YOU LOST BITCHES! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AH AH AH AH AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
Comment by FuckCAL — November 12, 2007 @ 12:11 am
What I like about the above poster is that he lets it all hang out. He’s self-aware about his asshole-dom and is not worried that others know it.
He knows that when two seemingly evenly matched teams face off and one team beats the other by 7 points, all caps is the way to go.
Comment by TwistNHook — November 12, 2007 @ 11:24 am
Freaking hilarious! LOVE this post–and I’m a Stanford alum! (Little-known fact: down at The Farm, we HATE USC a million times more than Cal–we like to make fun of you for a couple of weeks in mid-November, but our true hatred is reserved for USC.) I had the misfortune of teaching there last year (it beat living in a gutter, but barely.) I still have nightmares about the crime-ridden campus, general arrogance; moronic, bratty entitled students; AND having to listen to that band rehearse every afternoon just outside my office…god, I must have done something truly heinous in my past life…
But when Stanford beat SC this year, I knew my karmic balance had been restored!
Comment by LA woman — December 1, 2007 @ 8:30 pm
I just have to say WOW…..oh, and FIGHT ON!! haha, I don’t even like football, but I’m pretty sure our only REAL rival is UCLA. But then again, it’s easy for any team that sucks as bad as Cal to hate us. Peace hippie.
Comment by haha — January 24, 2008 @ 10:11 pm
oh, and one more thing…I read about a paragraph until I realized that you not only wasted four years of your life at CAL, but also the couple days it took you to make this site and write this article/blog thingy. Oh, and nothing against hippies, I like them, I just think you’re probably what I like to call a “fuckin hippie”
Comment by haha — January 24, 2008 @ 10:14 pm
Actually, I’ve been known to shower. So, there goes *that* theory!
Comment by TwistNHook — January 24, 2008 @ 10:15 pm
Nobody hates SCUM more than me. Petey-Boy’s face when we beat them on 12/2/06 was the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. He also dissed Karl Dorrell when they beat us in 2007 and didn’t shake his hand either. Asshole!
Comment by 83bruin — March 14, 2008 @ 9:32 pm
Um, we play our fight songs a lot because, win or lose we support the team.
Fight On, it’s in the name.
And as for the push=ups and running for making mistakes, you don’t really have to do that, we want to.
As for arrogance of the teams and the fans? I would disagree. Most people who watched both Texas and USC that year would agree USC was a better team, we just played a shitty game. They won, we fucked up, they get the trophy, end of story. The better team loses a lot. Last year, Stanford was not the better team. We just played a bad game.
And, I was at that game. The USC fans, the loud one who stand around the top of the tunnel, stand the whole game, and scream their lungs out? The ones you are speaking of, I am sure. They applauded the Stanford team as it left the field.
Now, I march in the SC band, and I actually do, and have always, liked Cal’s band. Unlike Stanford, you actually try, and unlike ucla, you aren’t lame and use your own fight song. But when we taunt and yell and claim to be the greatest marching band in the universe, we are doing it to have fun. That’s what it’s all about. Do we sound and look better than a DCI band? Of course not. We call ourselves the greatest because we have such a great time. We love our team. We face the team and play Tribute to Troy for them when there is dead air during our practice, as they can hear us, just one field over. We rally with them in Heritage Hall before every home game. And, win or lose, we play conquest for them after every game, and they know that we are there for them.
So Fight the Fuck On!
Comment by Anon — October 27, 2008 @ 5:08 pm
I lived in U$C off campus housing for a semester in 2003 while I finished up my BA at CSULB. (My then girlfriend was going to USC, so to save costs we moved in together.) The complete feeling of dipshit entitlement absolutely permeates the campus. The students there do embarrassingly little actual studying, and are all convinced that they go to some kind of “west coast ivy” because their parents foot a huge bill. But what really pissed me off was this: just prior to the invasion of Iraq this super-rich asshole frat house where everyone drives an SUV put a huge poster of Hitler over their front door with a caption that read: “REMEMBER WHEN COWARDS FAILED TO ACT?” (back story, I was in the National Guard at the time and wound up doing a year in Iraq.) So these young republican assholes can sit there and without a hint of irony call people who thought invading Iraq was stupid “cowards” and it does not even occur to these shitheads that since they are all able-bodied 18-22 year old males they ought to be the ones signing up for this shit. That’s all U$C is…a dress rehearsal for a lifetime of consumption, with no giving back ever, or even ever thinking that they should.
Comment by adam — November 4, 2008 @ 2:36 am
Arizona fan shouting out here…. USC is a bunch of rich pricks and I hate every-time I see them roll up in their parents’ BMWs… hope they rot in hell.
Comment by spike — January 21, 2009 @ 8:02 pm
USC is a bunch of rich pricks means..
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Comment by Britney — July 13, 2009 @ 5:01 am
Lyrics to the “one song”:
“This is the only song we know. It’s boring and it’s slow.”
Just thought the true USC fans would like to be able to sing along.
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