Trying Times
These are trying times, my friends. These are the times that test men’s souls. You might need to find a loved one. Find your girlfriend, maybe your boyfriend, maybe even your girlfriend’s boyfriend (The California Golden Blogs does not condone validating adultry, but desperate times call for desperate measures). Collapse into their arms, cry it out. It’s ok. Cry it out. I’ll wait.
Hell, I woulda written this out sooner, but I just myself got out of the fetal position. It’s definitely a quality position. Yeah, it’s not a fun time to be alive right now. This is what I looked like at about 12:29 PM yesterday:
"Yeah, Go Bears. We rock! Yay!"
And here’s what I’ve looked like since about 4:30 P.M. yesterday:
"Every moment of my life is more painful than the last."
But yknow, here at the California Golden Blogs, we try to be reasonable and optimistic. No knee-jerk reactionary stuff like you might see at KneeJerkreactionary.blogsome.com. So, we try to look at the bright spots from yesterday’s "contest." For example, here’s a strong bright spot for Cal:
1. No terrorist attacks
Currently, none of our players are dead from terrorist attacks, radical islam or otherwise. We can build off of this. And personally I promise not to kill any of our players. Let’s make that solemn vow together. No killing of our players. Well, how else can we help the team? Well, first off, I didn’t wear my lucky Cal hat yesterday. I wore a different and clearly, non-lucky hat.
For this transgression, I will personally write a letter to Lord Tedford apoligizing for my terrible, terrible subterfuge. That’s a good first step. But besides my choice of habadashery, we also have some problems with talent at the D-Line. We need some help recruiting here. Well, OK, here’s a strategy we can use. The Mystery Method!
"Let’s go sarging for Defensive Linemen!"
According to The Game by Neil Strauss, the Mystery Method is a way to pick up chicks. It’s basically you have to play hard to get and then do a series of odd magic tricks to seduce women. Not really how I would do it. The TwistNHook method is to be stunningly attractive, uproariously hilarious, and swing ungodly pole. Of course, now that I have Mrs. TwistNHook, I don’t have to use anything like that anymore.
But maybe we could use this method for recruiting. Tedford and Co. could go to the high schools and find all the really crappy D-Linemen and focus on them. Bam! Now, the really good D-Linemen will feel excluded and want what they cannot have. To go to Cal! Then, Tedford hits them with a neg ("If I weren’t gay, you’d be so my type" is one he’s unlikely to use), shows off a few magic tricks, and damn, we might have a pass rush next year.
Maybe.
That’s about all I can figure out to do. I’m just a fan. Trying to live vicariously through the actions of others. Sure, when bad things happen, I’ll snap into action with my own personal defense mechanism: humor. I’ll (allegedly) write (alleged) jokes that are (allegedly) funny. Allegedly. And that’ll take my mind off of the epic disaster known as yesterday. Hopefully, yours too. But I’m sure you all have your own defense mechanisms for dealing with the grief. #1 Fan, Seth’s defense mechanism is living in the bushes outside of Bob Gregory’s house waiting for the right moment to strike. And Ken Crawford is just sitting there polishing his Trident over and over again, muttering "Seth, you better stay in that bush…"
Here at the California Golden Blogs, the mourning period is ending. We have a lot of content coming up. HydroTech has more analysis coming up. Ragnarok was at the game and will have some road trip stories. And Yellow Fever and I will be sarcastically bitter. That’s really what we do best! Let’s do this thing!
GO BEARS! BEAT THE SUNDEVILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hilarious. You have read The Game haven’t you? That scenario you describe will have Tedford sobbing in an asylum wondering why those D-linemen would never gangtackle.
I think. Is gangtackle the football equivalent of a threesome?
Comment by Avinash — October 21, 2007 @ 10:04 pm
Oh, plus in the end Cal turns into USC and all its fans become spoiled USC fans. I’m thinking way too much of this metaphor.
Comment by Avinash — October 21, 2007 @ 10:06 pm
Hahah, you guys always make me feel better after a Cal loss. Maybe I should start coming here EVERYTIME I feel despondent…
Comment by CalFBFan — October 22, 2007 @ 1:17 am
Who knows how this season will turn out. Maybe there’ll be a 5 way tie for 1st place in the Pac-10 and we get picked for the Rose Bowl… who knows..
And does anyone know if this weekend’s game against UCLA is posted online (ie torrents)?
Comment by Mike — October 22, 2007 @ 1:58 am
You never disappoint TwistNHook, that was very funny. Right now I am too stunned to even be angry. I am not sure I will get angry anymore this season, just really, really sad. I honestly thought this was the year, sadly twas not to be. In any event we have a good group of guys that deserve to go out winners. Maybe a lesson in humility will make us that much better next year and finally put us over the hump.
Comment by Seth — October 22, 2007 @ 9:44 am
oops is gangtackle is football equivalent..
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