These are trying times, my friends. These are the times that test men’s souls. You might need to find a loved one. Find your girlfriend, maybe your boyfriend, maybe even your girlfriend’s boyfriend (The California Golden Blogs does not condone validating adultry, but desperate times call for desperate measures). Collapse into their arms, cry it out. It’s ok. Cry it out. I’ll wait.
Hell, I woulda written this out sooner, but I just myself got out of the fetal position. It’s definitely a quality position. Yeah, it’s not a fun time to be alive right now. This is what I looked like at about 12:29 PM yesterday:
"Yeah, Go Bears. We rock! Yay!"
And here’s what I’ve looked like since about 4:30 P.M. yesterday:
"Every moment of my life is more painful than the last."
But yknow, here at the California Golden Blogs, we try to be reasonable and optimistic. No knee-jerk reactionary stuff like you might see at KneeJerkreactionary.blogsome.com. So, we try to look at the bright spots from yesterday’s "contest." For example, here’s a strong bright spot for Cal:
1. No terrorist attacks
Currently, none of our players are dead from terrorist attacks, radical islam or otherwise. We can build off of this. And personally I promise not to kill any of our players. Let’s make that solemn vow together. No killing of our players. Well, how else can we help the team? Well, first off, I didn’t wear my lucky Cal hat yesterday. I wore a different and clearly, non-lucky hat.
For this transgression, I will personally write a letter to Lord Tedford apoligizing for my terrible, terrible subterfuge. That’s a good first step. But besides my choice of habadashery, we also have some problems with talent at the D-Line. We need some help recruiting here. Well, OK, here’s a strategy we can use. The Mystery Method!
"Let’s go sarging for Defensive Linemen!"
According to The Game by Neil Strauss, the Mystery Method is a way to pick up chicks. It’s basically you have to play hard to get and then do a series of odd magic tricks to seduce women. Not really how I would do it. The TwistNHook method is to be stunningly attractive, uproariously hilarious, and swing ungodly pole. Of course, now that I have Mrs. TwistNHook, I don’t have to use anything like that anymore.
But maybe we could use this method for recruiting. Tedford and Co. could go to the high schools and find all the really crappy D-Linemen and focus on them. Bam! Now, the really good D-Linemen will feel excluded and want what they cannot have. To go to Cal! Then, Tedford hits them with a neg ("If I weren’t gay, you’d be so my type" is one he’s unlikely to use), shows off a few magic tricks, and damn, we might have a pass rush next year.
That’s about all I can figure out to do. I’m just a fan. Trying to live vicariously through the actions of others. Sure, when bad things happen, I’ll snap into action with my own personal defense mechanism: humor. I’ll (allegedly) write (alleged) jokes that are (allegedly) funny. Allegedly. And that’ll take my mind off of the epic disaster known as yesterday. Hopefully, yours too. But I’m sure you all have your own defense mechanisms for dealing with the grief. #1 Fan, Seth’s defense mechanism is living in the bushes outside of Bob Gregory’s house waiting for the right moment to strike. And Ken Crawford is just sitting there polishing his Trident over and over again, muttering "Seth, you better stay in that bush…"
Here at the California Golden Blogs, the mourning period is ending. We have a lot of content coming up. HydroTech has more analysis coming up. Ragnarok was at the game and will have some road trip stories. And Yellow Fever and I will be sarcastically bitter. That’s really what we do best! Let’s do this thing!
GO BEARS! BEAT THE SUNDEVILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!