HydroTech wrote a very eloquent post below about how Cal fans should stay classy and show respect to the Tennessee fans.  About how all human beings deserve respect and we shouldn’t ever treat anybody poorly.

Fair enough.  But here at the California Golden Blogs, we always want to look at both sides of the issue.  We’re almost like Fox News, except fair and balanced.  So, what to do if you decide you do want to make a few verbal jabs at passerby Tennessee Fans?

Well, you’ve come to the right place, then.  Without further ado, I present The TwistNHook Plan For Hilar-Mockery And Other Assorted Slight Elbow Jabs/Eye Winks.

First rule, no more “You come from the South, you most likely lack intelligence.”  Many people might want to make jokes about Tennessee’s proximity to South Carolina or, more accurately, Miss Teen USA South Carolina.  She’s gotta be close by to that state, I figure.  Such as.  But not all Southerners are stupid.  I mean yeah, it is true that my wife is from South Carolina and she WAS dumb enough to marry me, but still you can’t stereotype all Southerners like that. 

To really get at the Tennessee fans, you have to be more complex than that.  They’ve heard all the slack-jawed yokel jokes.  But are they as fashion conscious as us San Francisco urbanites?  Perhaps not.  Let’s take a look at their mascot.

He’s not even wearing any pants!  Pants!  That’s like 50% of the “must-have” portion of the wardrobe.  So, perhaps one thing to say would be:

“Hey, your mascot isn’t wearing any pants?  What’s up with that?  Shouldn’t your mascot have pants on?  I think your mascot is scaring my children!”

If you don’t have any children, grab some nearby children (preferably not Tennessee fans) and wave them around until the mascot scares them.  What response could they have to the clear truth from that photo that their mascot frightens children???  Nothing!  In the interest of fairness, it should be noted that the only time Oski scares children is when he drinks through his eye.  But at least he’s got an ever-so-refined cardigan.

Here’s another subtle way to mock Volunteers fans.  A brief glance at Tennessee’s Wikipedia article tells me that Tennessee is actually in 2 different time zones.  What the Tedford?!?!?  Therein lies the rub:

“Living in Tennessee must be similar to that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer sets his watch an hour behind at all times and is consistently an hour late to everything!  Good luck getting to the game on time today with our 1-Time Zone Only policy out here in California!”

That’ll really steam ‘em!

Although that 2 different time zones thing might explain why Tennessee, according to the Wikipedia article, celebrated its 100 year anniversary in 1897 even though it was actually 1896.  Whoops! 

The last thing to mention here is a Californian’s grasp of irony.  Nobody loves irony more than us Californians and especially Berkeley people.  You see those ironic people walking around with their retro 80s mullets and their fu man chu mustaches.  I have been told that in Tennessee people also have mullets and mustaches, but without that same sense of irony. 

So, a subtle way to jab at them is to compliment them with irony.  To wit:

“I, in every way, respect the great state of Tennessee.  You have brought no humiliation upon other US Americans as a whole.  And the Tennessee Valley Authority really helped out America during the Great Depression. 

Further, your football team is full of hard-working, upstanding members of society who, I am sure, would never even conceive of taking a short-cut to success!”

See, it sounds like a compliment.  But it’s actually an ironic compliment.  That way those without irony won’t get mad, but we’ll really know it’s ironic. 

Complimenting a Tennessee fan?  Now, *that’s* ironic.

So, there you go.  A few ground rules that might help blow off some of the steam from last year’s shellacking while still ensuring no Tennessee fans try to attack you with their oversized, novelty foam fingers.